i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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