I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
