I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
