Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
