I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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