Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
