The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
