i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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