you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
