Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
