well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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