just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she told me i tasted like america
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
