this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
