if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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