Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
