I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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