You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying