I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
