you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
