You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize