I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
