Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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