I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
