11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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