so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
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