I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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