So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
