I met the friendliest cop last night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
