I'm going to jail i love you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
