Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you will always have a special place in my vag
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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