somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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