I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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