did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
