Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
