I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
