Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
