apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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