my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
