being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize