I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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