So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
