the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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