I'm so fucking centered right now
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
