Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
