Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
