The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
