I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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