So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
