if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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