A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
