Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
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No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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