You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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