Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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