Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
