Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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