Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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