i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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