what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
