Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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