Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
